Day 15: Write about something you struggle with.

 Ahh, this topic. I have many things that I struggled, am struggling and will struggle with. But this certain struggle is my everyday life. Don't get me wrong, I don't see it as a struggle but there are some days I feel like it is a struggle.

My Deafness. There, I said it. I struggle with my Deafness. Of as this moment, right now, there are more voices voicing their struggles as being Deaf, be it with job search (Cat Lady and Hiker wrote posts about it), friends, school, and generally everyday.

Of as right now, there is a huge role model for Deaf community, Nyle DiMarco, one of top contender for America's Next Top Model. He is profoundly Deaf, just like me and he doesn't speak, just like me. There is one episode that have spoken to all of us, the Deaf community, is when other model took his phone, his only communication tool away for rest of the night. Nyle expressed being left out and being lost. His facial expression and body language said it all for us.

I want you to understand this first. I really like where I am right now. I feel at home at my apartment, my roommates are freaking amazing. I really like my school and my cohort. I really like my current internship. I loved my previous internship at a wildlife rehabilitation center.

And what they all have in the common? I am only the Deaf person. I am the only person who communicates through a different language and have to communicate through my second language, English (except for times I have interpreters, bless them). Which it is why, sometime you will see that my grammar is not exactly right. Sometimes it is tiring to keep up in a language that I often struggle with. I sometime wish I am not the last person to laugh at the joke because of time of translation or delayed to taking time to write down what is happening. I sometime I wish I can jump in the conversation easily as just as anybody.

You may ask, why am I doing this to myself? Well, I love what I am doing now, with the struggle and all. Beside, this place is called reality. The reality is: Deaf is a minority, we often are on our own into the world. This is what we face everyday. Honestly, its a norm for me. It is normal for me to sit and miss out conversations because I can't understand. It had happened so often to point that it is normal for me. It is my everyday life.

I am OK with it. I remind myself about my dreams and goals. They are not worth it if there are no struggle. I am OK with it because I have hope. I have hope for various things, what would happen in the future.

I also struggle with people who is ignorant about the Deaf community. Because of those ignorant people, I often am not sure if I am the first Deaf person they have met. I need to make a good impression because too often, once an ignorant person gets a bad impression from the first Deaf person they met, they assume that ALL Deaf people are like that. I mean, really. Seriously? Do I assume that a hearing person who was rude toward me applies to ALL hearing people? I don't.

I remember one time, a person had met a Deaf person before me and that person could speak and very outgoing. I don't speak and am shy around people when I meet them for the first time. So, that person assumed that I am outgoing and can speak. I told him right on the spot that I don't speak. That threw him off and once, he asked me why that other Deaf person and I are different. My answer was: "We are different people, we don't have same personalities. We are just like you guys, you all are different from each other." I guess that was a wake-up call for him.

There is other struggle that had been being voiced more often now. Job search being as a Deaf person. I am lucky so far, able to find internships and having bosses being OK with having a Deaf employee. I have an experience to share.

Once I applied to a grad school, got in touch with a professor about his lab. We had a good conversation and the professor seemed to be genuinely interested in having me joining his lab. As we got further into conversation about my goal if I joined his lab, he asked for my transcript, resume, and my experiences. I thought it was a good time to inform him that I am Deaf and am more than willing to provide accommodation and such if the professor hadn't worked with a Deaf person before. His next email was short and terse. Telling me that I am better off finding a lab that is more lab-orientated than being out into field because I would provide some difficulty. Working in labs would be much easier and he regretfully has to decline me because the vegetation is too heavy and I will struggle being in his lab.

Ow, that kinda hurts. Thanks.

After that, I decided to do this way, probably really inappropriate, but it worked for me. I apply and get accept before informing that I am Deaf. I am scared to tell them that I am Deaf and I get declined just because of that, not because of my lack in experiences or abilities. I struggle with being judged for being Deaf.

So, yeah. I struggle with my Deafness on a daily basis but I love who I am. I love being Deaf because I have my own identity, my language, and my culture.

Anyway, there you go, a little insight into my struggle bus! #struggleisreal